Are you ready for a class in Advanced Holiness for people from all walks of life? Then, perhaps you're ready to take a trip to the Have A Heart convent in Bucksnort, Wisconsin. There, you'll meet a nun you're not likely to forget - Sister Mary Olga Fortitude.
The Misadventures of Sister Mary Olga Fortitude is a satire with a spiritual message, but there's a lot of hanky panky going on here. Sister Mary Olga is an irreverent nun who has some unique spiritual views that differ from those of the Pope. She's a great believer of "to each, their own." She also loves her Marlboros and her bourbon. Just don't let the Reverend Mother in on her secret. The next class in Advanced Holiness may be canceled.
Here in Bucksnort, you'll meet a zany cast of all-too-human characters. There's a lot of secret-keeping going on here, but Sister Mary Olga will be sure to deliver the goods in order to provide you with good and bad examples of holiness.
The Reverend Mother is a former prostitute. The convent's chef is a gay cowboy. Priscilla Bunhead is the town busybody who opens some other closet doors. She, along with the other folks on Dinkledorf Drive, serve up examples of what not to do.
One thing's for sure. These characters will lighten your load and help you to not take life so seriously. Get ready for non-stop laughs.
Speaking of looking up, that brings me to the subject of Sister Samantha's secret. Lord have mercy! Well now! I was extremely thirsty following my most recent week of penance on my knees in my humble little cell; so, I'd made a hasty visit to Randy Cowboy who was generous enough to give me a half gallon of Jack Daniel's.
I threw caution to the wind and I ducked into cubicle number four where I began to have a few nips. Oh, I must confess the truth. I tied one on! By the time I'd passed out, I'd managed to refresh myself with almost half of that big bottle.
Sometime during the night, I must have slipped off the toilet and landed on the floor. I didn't wake up until the following morning; and, I must say, I had quite a headache! I also realized that I had partially slid under cubicle number three; and, I couldn't get up.
Well, wouldn't you know it. The restroom door burst open and I immediately thought that the gig was up. With my luck, I thought that it might be Mother Carmen and that I'd be sent back to my cell for another week of solitary confinement.
Fortunately, God spared me that ordeal and had sent me an angel. It was Sister Samantha. Of course, I didn't find that out immediately. Let's just say that we both had a big surprise in store!
Well! There I was, with my head under cubicle number three, when I heard Sister Samantha singing "Amazing Grace" as she entered that very cubicle! Apparently, she was so moved by the Holy Spirit that she didn't even notice my head facing up toward her toilet. I closed my eyes in reverent prayer just as she was lowering her panties. As she was preparing to sit upon her throne, her habit swished over my face which brought me to attention. I opened my eyes by reflex. Boy, did I get an eyeful and I do mean boy! Sister Samantha wasn't a woman! Lord, have mercy!
Well! It was a rather awkward situation to say the least! I had learned of Sister Samantha's incredible secret. I also needed her help. What could I do, but gently murmur, "Please help me, Sister. I've fallen and I can't get up."
Let me tell you. Sister Samantha might not have been a woman, but she let out a high-pitched scream that sounded like a woman giving birth. She jumped off her pot and whooshed her habit off my pleading face. If anyone else could have seen us at that very moment, I'm sure that both of our faces would have appeared beet red.
Well! If either of us had had a blackmailing bone in our bodies, we both would have had sufficient ammunition to use against the other. Suffice it to say, each of use took a higher path except Sister Samantha had the higher advantage at that moment.
Well, that little woman proved to be very strong. She grabbed me under my arms. Then, she pulled me right under the partition of cubicle number three and out onto the restroom floor.
Even though I was feeling very shaky, in more ways than one, I managed to get myself up and onto my wobbly legs. Well, what could I say besides, "Thank you;" however, given the situation, it seemed that something else might be in order. I felt rather like Little Red Riding Hood when she discovered that her grandmama was actually a wolf.
The nice thing about my situation was that Sister Samantha wasn't about to eat me up. I decided right then and there that I wasn't going to give her up. Sister, "I said. "How did you ever pull it off?"
That's when she told me her story. You see, Sister Samantha just happened to have been born in the wrong body. She really was every bit as much of a woman as myself with one notable exception. God sure works in mysterious ways!
Sister Samantha was the most beautiful child. She was christened "Bobby O'Reilly" and she was her mother's only son. As it had turned out, he had been her only daughter too. Mother and child lived with Bobby's grandmother on the family farm. He was conceived on Christmas Eve and he was born on the harvest moon of the following year.
It was a fruitful harvest, in more ways than one! He was his mother's pride and joy as well as being the favorite grandchild of his elderly grandmother. Little Samantha or, should I say, little Bobby was a perfect angel.
On his first day of school, his mother dressed him up in knickers and sent him off to the Baptist academy in his hometown which was located in a little parish similar to our own. When he returned from school, both his mother and his grandmother were in for a big surprise. Little Bobby had discovered the academy's Good Will clothes closet and he had decided to change his outfit. When he returned to his grandmother's farm, he was wearing a dress, high heels, and he had braided his long locks into a perfect French braid.
Grandma O'Reilly chastened her daughter by saying, "Whatever possessed you to send Bobby to school like that!"
Bobby's dumbfounded mother simply stared at her son and said, "I didn't!"
That was just the beginning. By the time Bobby was in high school, he had run off to the big city and he had started living as a woman. He had the most gorgeous natural female breasts and he began to receive hormone shots that made him the envy of the big city drag queens.
He named himself Samantha Monet and he decided to seek fame and fortune as a female impersonator. With his new female voice, he could hit a high C. He was soon performing in the big city clubs and making big money.
One of his favorite routines involved him dressing as a nun. It only seemed fitting since he had converted to Catholicism and had decided that, once he'd had a taste of the world, he was going to become a nun. Sister Samantha was a smashing success and she wooed the crowds with her renditions of religious songs that soon won converts to her beloved Savior.
Sister Samantha was planning on having a sex change, but a part of her believed that she was born in a man's body in order to teach the world a lesson in tolerance for those who are different from others. Well! Sister Samantha had already taught me a lesson. The Lord is a mighty God!
By the time Sister Samantha had made a mark for herself in the big city, she quietly disappeared to the Sisters of Charity and she took her vows as a nun. When the call went out from the Have A Heart convent for new blood, Sister Samantha was ready to leave the big city behind. She was ready to follow her passion of compassion for those in need, indeed.
She had become a nurse and she was taking a mail order course in veterinary science. She was now ready to serve both "man" and "beast." That's the long and short of it and we were now the lucky benefactors of her talents. Her secret would be safe with me; and, I trust that her secret will be just between you and me as well as the lamp post of eternal light.
About Davis Aujourd'hui
Davis Aujourd'hui is the pen name of a student of the human condition, wielding the written craft to enrapture the mind much like an artist wields a brush. The pages are a blank canvas on which to draw from a talent heralded by many and matched only by an active imagination that rises to the task. The Misadventures of Sister Mary Olga Fortitude is the first in a series of recent pursuits, with work progressing quickly on sequels and prequels to this first Sister Mary Olga Fortitude novel. He has also recently completed his memoirs entitled King David which remains to be published.